Hey all,
I know I've been doing a bang-up job of keeping this blog up to date but after my 700th breakdown since moving to Tokyo, I thought this would be a great time to elaborate a bit more.
My life is full of really high-highs and really low-lows. I was spoiled all throughout the month of March by the company of my boyfriend taking a stay-cation at my house as well as my parents and best friend who stayed with me for one of the most turbulent yet amazing weeks so far in Japan. There is nothing like family. Though there may be arguments, petty jabs, and general tiredness from sightseeing, I would honestly rather be bickering with them any day than be alone in silence.
Silence. A concept that I am not unfamiliar with and something that I would like to say that I genuinely enjoy. I never thought I would dread the silence. I never thought that I would play up to 6 hours of podcasts a day just to keep the silence away. My house is constantly filled with music, videos, and podcasts to keep my own thoughts away from myself. I don't want to admit the extent to which my breakdowns have taken me. I really don't want to acknowledge how many times I cried so hard my chest hurt and my eyes swelled shut. I don't really know why the tears come anymore but sometimes the sadness comes inside me, invades me, strangles me until my throat is burning and I can think of nothing to ease the fatigue except sobbing until I can cry no more.
I'm not boasting about the person I've become. I'm a genuinely needy and probably depressed person who cannot afford or find psycological help in a foreign country was not the look I was going for. Sitting here and writing this blog post at 2 a.m. just to listen to the tapping of the keyboard instead of silence was not what I would call "goals". Although I could sit here and beat myself up on a blog, I won't. I think I can do a great job belittling myself while chilling in the dark alone. I want to try to give myself credit for what I've done, how far I've come, and how genuinely FUCKING HARD this is. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but since day one I've had some unseen challenges and dark Babadook demons in my closet waiting to come out and bring me to the knees on my kitchen floor to cry (been there done that).
But, I know that I can come out on top. I know that I did all this for a reason. There are moments, however fleeting, that I feel this peace in my loneliness-- as if I'm not really alone somehow. For example, a few weeks ago I was hanging out in the super crowded and touristy area of Ueno for the cherry blossom festival. Everyone was posed for pictures, recording video, trying to get the best angle for an Instagram post. To be frank, no one gave a fuck about the cherry blossoms themselves. I decided to put the phone down, purchase some local yakisoba and a beer and take a seat under a cherry blossom tree. The petals were falling down like a sweet milky pink rain. My yakisoba noodles were salty and a bit vinegary with the pickled radish garnish on top. When it mixed with the dry acidity of my beer it created a sweet sting in my mouth. I drank that beer slowly (mostly cause I hate beer) and watched those trees intently. Again, I felt tears sting my eyes because crying might be my favorite new hobby. But I didn't cry. In that moment, I felt like someone was there with me (the Babadook demon?) and I didn't feel an ache deep inside my soul anymore. I said a toast to the trees, to the sky, to the unknown visitor who had joined me that day. Basically, I keep living here for those moments. Those sweet, beautiful, probably insignificant moments are the ones that I will never forget. Drinking a beer under a sakura tree with a friendly presence in the atmosphere watching over me. Yeah, that's pretty fucking rad.
I could easily contrast my awesome tree moment to how many times I refused to go out, how many times that I had an anxiety attack on the crowded streets of the city, how many times I protested to my boyfriend to just stay one more night so I didn't have to sleep in the dark alone. I'm not proud of that girl. She is too vapid, vulnerable, and susceptible to her emotions. Is she another side of me that I never faced before? How do I keep fighting this battle? Sometimes I don't know the answer. I just want to cry until it hurts. I just want to eat 7-11 food alone in my bed. But the cherry blossom moments, they call to me. They call me out of the dark cave that I call my house and into reality where I'm bound to face things that I hate to see and things that I love to see.
Maybe right now I miss my family and friends more than ever. Having them around was the sweetest treat a lone traveler could ask for. Their words of encouragement let me know that what I'm doing has meaning, what I've done is brave, and the life I've built for myself isn't just this house of cards that could fall down at any moment.
This isn't over. I'm not over. Thanks fam.
