I'm sitting here writing this in the middle of the night next to my snoring boyfriend. October has come and 2019 will soon be behind us. This year passed in such a blur. There were so many times that I wasted the day wallowing in my own loneliness. Of course there were many hardships-- most of which came in the form of finances and work related exhaustion.
In this last year, I've gained more knowledge about Japan than I ever even wished to know. If I had to take a guess I would say that I've probably met over 500 Japanese people through my job. I've encountered a lot of serious personalities, a lot of uncomfortable small talk, and many times I just wanted to put my head through the window (just kidding-- there's no windows in my office because I work in a dungeon).
I've seen a lot of the good and a lot of the bad that this place has to offer. I wish I could take little Alie up in my arms and tell her that every country and every place has it's ups and downs. When I was younger all I could see was Japan as this sanctuary where everything in my life would suddenly come together like missing pieces in a puzzle. In a way, some parts of my life have clicked into place but at the same time they've managed to become wedged apart in other ways. As I am growing up I am realizing that life will constantly try to throw a wrench in your plans. When one piece comes together another one may already be dislodging at the same moment.
To anyone who knows me, it's no surprise that I am skeptical of the future and often find myself wasting time over worries that actually have no merit in the here and now. I decided tonight to reminisce on some of the older posts on this blog (don't try to find them cause they're private yo lol das some embarrassing emo shit) and I stumbled upon some of my Japan fever dreams as well as some of the stuff that I wrote when I first came here and I was so unbearably alone and depressed.
I wouldn't say that now is a complete 180 to the Alie that came here in 2017 with no clue besides the love of Japan in her heart. But I have learned that no matter how isolated I feel, it's never really true. Another post that I wrote back at the beginning of 2018 described how much I missed my boyfriend after only knowing him for a few weeks. To be honest, at the time I really only had a small idea of who he was but of course a love-stricken heart doesn't know any better. All I wanted was the chance to share a day together and sleep side by side. In my romantic dream world we would cuddle and sleep peacefully side by side probably something like a god damn Disney movie. The reality is he sounds like a chainsaw when he sleeps and he steals all of my blankets. Most days I wanna push him off the bed so I can get a better sleep by myself. But when I read that post, a flicker of that feeling rose in my chest again. I need to appreciate what is here in front of me right now.
After reminiscing on that feeling for a moment, I reached out to fix his hair as he slept soundly (and loudly). He looks calm when he sleeps and the contrast of his inky black hair, long eyelashes, and pale skin make him look like a sleepy child without a care in the world. Before he fell asleep he had looked up at me with mildly blood shot eyes that caught the bedside light. When his brown eyes caught the light I realized how beautiful and warm they looked. I wondered if my own eyes could be that beautiful too. I have never liked my own brown eyes. Can loving someone else somehow help me love myself more too? He murmured 大好き (I love you) before passing out. I've never met someone who says I love you so earnestly and openly as he does. In a single day the phrase can leave his mouth up to twenty or thirty times. He's defying the standards of Japanese people while adhering to them all at the same time. He's the most astounding of all the Japanese people I've met.
I'm faced with problems that I know I will look back on later in this same blog post with insight and knowledge that I can't possibly know now and that scares the hell out of me. I want future me to come to me like that one weird Christmas story and relay to me all the shit that will go down in the next 3 years or so. Unlike high school, which I truly thought would be the most unpredictable time in my life, this is truly that time.
I know a few concrete facts. I need to change my job. What I'm doing now isn't enough and I'll never be satisfied being some under appreciated and overworked 英会話 teacher... which isn't really even like being a real teacher at all. Fact two: I want to stay with my boyfriend. In case you couldn't pick up by now, me finding a career that fulfills my life and staying with my boyfriend aren't exactly matching goals considering he lives in Tokyo. Sometimes my desire to stay by his side really clouds my judgement for what is right for myself. But I know he wants me to do what's right for me and he's never once tried to convince me to stay. He's my first love which some may be shaking their head at with the knowledge of someone much older or experienced than I am-- but the love that I have for him has only been growing over time. We have been growing over time. How can we continue to grow together?
But alas that's the future so maybe I should practice one more exercise in staying in the now by covering my surroundings one more time. It's Monday October 7th, 12:44 AM. I'm nestled in my fuzzy neon pink pajama pants with another fluffy blanket on top of that. Maximum comfort. My laptop is propped up on my knees while I type away in the darkness. I'm listening to Pierre XO (underrated YouTube artist) on my headphones to drown out the sound of Masa's snoring. He has rolled over onto his side and his hand wandered over to press against mine even while I'm writing. Even in his sleep he can't go a second without holding my hand. I might usually gripe about this or shove his heavy hand away, right now I'm simply enjoying the warmth of someone who loves me at my side. I want to appreciate it all more and more. Who knows what tomorrow brings-- so what's the point in straying from the now?
