What does it feel like to be “other”? I guess I never knew until I became the “other one”. The one who is isolated and the one who doesn’t know what to say or what to do. There have been so many times in the last years where I’ve felt like an embarrassment to myself. I’ve also felt like I’ve lost myself. This was the time when we were supposed to find ourselves. We were bright eyed and busy tailed and we thought that everything would be exactly as we imagined. We had no concept of reality and we were selfish. We still are.
I’m not sure where reality exists. Maybe it’s somewhere between the ears on either side of my head. We are often told what we think is what creates our reality. I’m not saying that there isn’t a benefit in therapy and shit if I could still afford it I would be trying it to help myself because I don’t know who the woman in the mirror is. She cries without control. She takes and never gives. On the outside she’s presenting what she hopes is the image of the adult but inside she’s still so scared and quite frankly stupid.
There I was— *record scratch sound* in the middle of an office filled with Japanese people in my stained winter coat that I can’t afford to have dry cleaned. How did I get here? *turns to break the 4th wall* anyways.. how did I get there? If I were a person that didn’t over analyze I wouldn’t have studied the things I did or written the things I did so bear with me.
Anyways, so I was in the middle of an open concept sweat shop that they call a Japanese office in my nasty Calvin Klein jacket. I’m that moment I felt so small even though in comparison I was actually a fucking giant. There it was that “gaijin” feeling. That fucking feeling. You don’t belong and you never will. You don’t belong in our office because you don’t know how to behave. You don’t know how to shut up and follow the rules. You don’t know how to swallow your pride and do the work that no one else wants to do.
You know what’s the funny thing about “gaijin”? The kanji characters itself are 「外人」this literally means “outside person”. Sometimes being “other” is built directly into the language with no interpretation required. And yes I know some of you are thinking, “Well shouldn’t you actually say.. 外国人 (gaikokujin)?” As if this is somehow better. A slightly more polite version that translates into “outside country person”. Wow. So much better. Sounds great. There’s a reason only dumbass Trump supporters use words like foreigner in 2019. It’s because the language is dated. Our language shapes our world.
So what’s the problem with being an outcast? Haven’t I been one my whole life living in Utah as a non-Mormon who liked to dye her hair and listen to heavy metal? Yes and no. I’ve reached a new level— adult level. At this new level people like to shame you even more deeply that you could’ve ever imagined. They can slice you with a glance. Maybe that dress was too short. Or they saw a glimpse of your tattoo on your ankle. How unprofessional. Gaijin must be ruining our country if they think they can show up to work like that. Just like that, you’ve become the work pariah.
I’m being swallowed into the whole and I don’t know how to distinguish myself anymore. I hate to admit it but I’ve gotten by by bowing my head. If at all possible I try to avoid eye contact with anyone when on the train. I can sometimes feel eyes on me and I squirm away like a bug placed under a hot ray of heat from a microscope. I’m being torn apart bit by bit by their gazes and swallowed in the crowds. I’ve been swept into a dust pan like ashes. My spirit is broken and I need help to repair it but I’m still out here, alone.
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